6 Years of Helping Women Cope, Hope & Heal after Miscarriage

Hi, it just occurred to me OurHopePlace.com has been helping women cope, hope and heal after miscarriage for just over 6 years now…

It has been a humbling experience helping people. We have been touched by so many people’s pain as well as stories of hope. We know the devastation and loss of hope with each miscarriage. We have found joy with the birth of every baby, and equally joy with each adoption… The road to motherhood can take many paths, each one equally important, equally blessed.

Each time someone sends a bracelet of hope or an angel token (or other gift) from our site, we believe we are enabling good in the world. We know we are when we see repeat order or ones that say, “I hope this bracelet helps you as much as it helped me”.

This has been a journey. I thank each of you for reaching out, for helping others (or helping yourself – bc it is still hard for people to know what to do and what not to do.)

We have come a long way, with more to go… It is great to take a pause, reflect, and say thank you.

 

Father’s Day: Helping Dad after Miscarriage

Miscarriage and Father’s Day.  Miscarriage affects all family members.  Would-be-dads, grandfathers, uncles and brothers all experience their own grief.  While miscarriage is all too common, as a society we are not good at helping women or men with their loss.

Sunday, June 19th, 2011 is Father’s Day.  It is a day that day can be filled with many emotions.  As part of a couple we know this can be a stressful, sad day.  But there are things we can do to help…  we don’t have to “just ignore” it or not recognize it.  We know this all too well because we are two women who have experienced miscarriages with our husbands and have gone on to heal.  We created Our Hope Place (www.OurHopePlace.com) in order for friends (and family members) to help cope, hope and heal after miscarriage.

 

We have put together some suggestions to help you and your partner get through the day:

 

-Be true to your feelings.  As the man, you may think it will be easier not to show how you are feeling about the miscarriage as you think your emotions will upset your partner even more. (Men & women can grieve differently.)  You decide you want to stay strong to protect her but only end up feeling alone and isolated.  As the woman, you were thinking of how nice it would be to buy your partner a “father-to-be” Father’s Day card and now after the miscarriage —Father’s Day is just another reminder of your loss.  Take time to communicate before the day arrives.  Really express to each other how you are feeling about both the miscarriage and what Father’s Day will mean to you this year.

 

– Realize that your emotions can sneak up on you…  that you might think you will feel one way, but on the day a whole other set of emotions may set in…

 

-Be patient with each other.  Do not criticize each other (or yourself) for how you are feeling.  Grieving is a very personal process and should be respected. Do realize that everyone copes with the same loss in different ways.  You may not be able to take away your partner’s pain but letting your partner know that you are there for him/her and that you love each other will go a long way.

 

-Plan ahead to do something meaningful for both of you.  Take a walk with each other in a favorite park.  Plant some flowers or a tree in your yard to remember your baby.  Go to church and say a prayer.  Get together and enjoy time with your extended family.  Even stay home, order take-out and just enjoy each other’s company.  There is no “wrong” way to spend the day.

 

-Don’t be afraid to say “NO”.  Do what you both need to do on Father’s Day even if it means not participating in traditional family events.  Explain why you would rather not participate to your family.  (“Right now we are feeling too emotional to be with everyone on Father’s Day.”)

 

-Try to focus on the positive.  Being grateful for what we already had in our lives and thinking positively is what helped us with our healing process and led us to create Our Hope Place  (www.OurHopePlace.com).  We decided to share our friendship, a special bracelet of hope and it’s inspiring story to help others who have also experienced miscarriage.  (We have a special section for the partner/spouse to visit – http://www.ourhopeplace.com/partnertodo.html)

 

Only by being there for each other and celebrating Father’s Day together in your own way will you both be able to remember your loss, continue with your healing process and look to the future.

 

Here’s to celebrating Father’s Day your way,

 

Laura & Sharon

Co-Founders www.OurHopePlace.com

 

International Babylost Mother’s Day, Perth Australia

I was so impressed and touched when I read about International Babylost Mother’s Day in Perth, Australia.  (They even have a Facebook Page.)  At Our Hope Place we  enthusiastically support any group, person, event that helps women and their families who have suffered loss.

Why do I like International Babylost Mother’s Day?   They recognize that once you become pregnant you are a mother.  You are your baby’s mother, forever.  Regardless of loss.

Women who suffer from miscarriage often feel alone.  On Mother’s Day it is worse.   So here is their own day…  right before Mother’s Day, to help them through…

So on this May 1st, these flowers, and these candles are for all of you, all of us…  all the women who have lost…  and we will do the same next year!

 

The Secret Society of Women… Lisa Ling’s Miscarriage Story… how to help someone who has suffered a miscarriage

If the stats are right, and from personal experience I know they are, either you and/or someone you know has suffered a miscarriage.

The sense of loss is overwhelming.  The sense of failure rocks you to your core.  And then you go through this alone… because, well there are many reasons.  No one knows what to say, they don’t want to say the wrong thing, they feel uncomfortable…  and so on.  At the time when we should most help someone, society leaves them alone and suffering.

That’s where we come in.  At OurHopePlace.com we give ideas on how to help someone.  At our blog OurHopePlace.wordpress.com we share pain and loss.  We share stories of hope.  It’s all about healing and hope.

That’s why we find stories of hope, stories of healing we are compelled to share…  Lisa Ling recently suffered a miscarriage.  She share’s her story here on the View In addition, she started a company:  The Secret Society of Women.

At OurHopePlace.com we talk about having a miscarriage is like joining a sisterhood you didn’t want to or didn’t know about.   If you or someone you know becomes a member, acknowledge her loss.  Offer help…  don’t let her suffer alone.  Make a difference!

 

Things happen for a reason… my miscarriage story

From a recent contact at OurHopeplace.com.

Hi there, I wasn’t sure where to send this, but I would like to extend an invitation to you to read my recent blog entry regarding my miscarriages and the old saying “things happen for a reason” it may give someone hope..
http://oneaquariusmama.blogspot.com/

When you read this blog you will be amazed at the strength of our friend.  Our heart goes out to her.  We are so sorry for you loss.  And we are very happy for the joy you have found…

Thanks for sharing your story!

 

Did I cause my miscarriage? 74% of women think they contributed to their miscarriage… Let Our Hope Place help you find the way forward.

My friend Kim (Thanks Kim!) sent me this link from TED… ” Let’s talk parenting taboos:  Rufus Griscom + Alisa Volkman” .  Feel free to watch the entire link, or if you want to see what they say about miscarriage, try 9:17-11:30.   Griscom and Alisa seem like any couple USA; people you want to be friends with.  They fall in love, get married, start a family, and then try to add a second child to their family.

Seems like the fairytale, right?  Not so much.  Alisa suffered the loss of her unborn child when she is 5 months pregnant.   (Before I go further, we are so sorry for her pain and loss.)  They talk about  how she wanted to crawl into a hole. That she felt ashamed, embarrased that she couldn’t do what she was genetically designed to do.  She didn’t know how she would find her way out of the hole, back to her life.  She ultimately did get back to her life.  What helped her was the outpouring of stories from friends and family all who either suffered the same, or knew someone who did.

Alisa shares so many thoughts that we talk to as well:

– Miscarriage is so common; 20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage

– That very often women feel they have somehow contributed or caused their miscarriage

-That once you have a miscarriage, it is like membership in this secret society/sisterhood that you didn’t want to join

-Miscarriage is a loss like no other – there are no pictures (well maybe a sonogram), no memories, no common rituals (like a funeral, though sometimes people will have one or a ceremony they plan).

It is amazing to us that at a time when people most need help, society leaves them to suffer alone.  Really, is that what we should be doing?

At Our Hope Place, we want to help women and their families find their way forward, to grieve and to heal… how I wish I knew Alisa years ago.  I would have sent her a bracelet from OHP to acknowledge her loss.  I would have shared my story.  If someone you know has suffered a miscarriage, acknowledge her loss.  Check out our tips on how to help at Our Hope Place.com.    Won’t you help?

PS:  TED is a non-profit.  TED = Technology, Entertainment, Design —  Ideas worth spreading…  check them out…  really interesting stuff going on there!

 

Almost happy holidays, not quite happy holidays… It’s finally over — going through the holidays after a miscarriage

Do you find the holidays difficult after your miscarriage?

…from a contact at Our Hope Place: It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. No, this Christmas I was to be buying pjs that say “baby’s 1st Christmas”. But that didn’t happen. Instead of being happy I have been dreading the holidays, I have been waiting to “check the box”. Wishing it was all a bad dream… It is hard to be around kids, and pregnant friends. I get angry, feel guilty, and am always so sad. Will it ever get better? Is it normal to feel this way? Is it bad that I am happy the holidays are over? I have a friend who also suffered a miscarriage, and she doesn’t seem to feel the same way… Any advice? …

First I am sorry for you loss, and what you are feeling is totally normal. The same is true for your friend. Everyone grieves differently, and no one way is right. Miscarriage is a real loss, one that needs to be grieved for. I remember the time after my miscarriage, but before my son was born. I had a lot of dread on all important dates, holidays, family events, and even seeing friends. Not to mention any “anniversary” associated with the baby I lost (this would have been my 5th month, this was the 36 week point, this was my delivery date, and so on). While I remember a lot of sadness, I also remember the dread prior was worse than the actual
day (might be different for you).

So I came up with coping mechanisms to help me… Thing like I didn’t go to everything. If I thought it was too hard, I gave myself permission to take a pass. And then would do something fun for me. I also used my ouhhopeplace.com bracelet… I needed to grieve, and then I needed to find hope, to feel the sun. When you are ready you will to. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

 

My daughter had a miscarriage – when she hurts, I hurt…

From a recent contact to Our Hope Place…  a mother writing about her daughter’s miscarriage, and the loss of her grandchild…

This (Our Hope Place) is a very good site. My daughter is 20 years old. very shortly she will be 21. She and her boyfriend have only been together several months so they are getting to know each other still. Earlier this year she suffered a miscarriage but it was a few weeks in so she was still getting used to being pregnant and it didn’t affect her as bad. There was no sonogram or heartbeat she heard to remember it. But accidently she got pregnant soon after that loss. This time hurt more. She had the sonogram picture and heard a very strong heartbeat. This time the baby was almost 3 months along. Everything was going very good. She was trying to take good care of herself. She went for her second exam to check the baby again. She was even asking the doctor before her exam if she would know if something was wrong with the baby. The doctor told her the baby was doing fine and nothing was wrong. She went in and there was no heartbeat this time. That doctor felt like a heel when she had to tell my daughter that. They made her an appointment for 2 weeks later to see what to do next. They made her carry her dead baby inside her for 2 weeks. Emotionally that was very rough for her. When they didn’t hear a heartbeat they said the baby measured less by a week or two compared to what it should have been. We bought a few things for the baby already before that. You see my daughter lost her baby and I lost my first grandchild. This past weekend was very rough for her. She had severe pain and alot of blood clots and blood through the weekend. Her appointment was monday for the 2 week followup. I took her to the er Sunday night to get her some help. During the pelvic the doctor seen the sac still trying to pass. He went ahead and pulled it out. The lab looked it over and said it was the sac where the baby was but they seen no baby. I get sick of hearing her body reabsorbed it. It was almost 3 months along. How can a almost 3 month old fetus be reabsorbed into the body? We are still dealing with that question. Well she is still passing blood clots and having alot of pain from cramps. They told her today if she passes anymore big clots and if she is still passing them after tomorrow call them right back. Our family is so confused as to why after two miscarriages they dont feel a d and c is necessary to make sure she is cleaned out. She got a packet from the hospital where they have a good support group for women who have miscarriages. They gave her a little baby ring. She is going to carry that on a chain around her neck to deal with the loss better. Next week I am going with her to a memorial for women that lost their babies early on. We are getting an ornament with a name for the baby engraved on it for the tree. I told her I will go with her to a support group to try to help her get through this. Next year they have a burial for miscarried babies in a cemetary free of charge here. We don’t want people to think of us as sick people to have wanted to see what the baby looked like to get final closure for us. This support group told her that is normal and we shouldn’t feel ashamed. Alot of people don’t understand how people going through this feel. That was an actual living breathing little person growing. I have never experienced a miscarriage myself but I am grieving the loss of my grandchild. I am trying to help my daughter through this with all the love I have to give. We have some support from our family that are sharing their love and support. Some family members don’t help so we keep them out of it. I know the time wasn’t right but they don’t understand my daughter was feeling this little being inside her, heard that strong heartbeat, had a picture of it, nicknamed it. It was still a person. This is an excellent website like I said because watching my daughter go through this it is hard to find people who actually know there is a grieving process for this too. She went through the is it me, what did i do wrong, can I ever have a baby when the time is right feelings too. It helps me to get all these feelings out too. Thank you for listening. I have more understanding for people who go through miscarriages now I must say. And thank you for understanding and knowing it is normal and fine to go through the grieving process even for grandmas like me. I love my daughter so much and when she hurts I hurt. I am just trying to help her cause she has rough days and ok days. She is quite a ways from getting over this but we are learning it is a process that takes time but we will always hold the memory of her lost baby in our hearts.

Our thoughts and prayers are with you!

 

I am still amazed after all these years.

My daughter will be turning 10 this year which means that my miscarriage was over 10 years ago.  I am still amazed that when the topic of miscarriage comes up with people I meet throughout my day (old friends, new friends and strangers) that everyone knows someone who has had at least one miscarriage – sadly sometimes more than one. 

If I am speaking with the woman who actually had the miscarrige, somewhere in our conversation there are 2  sentences that I usually hear – “Oh – I wish Our Hope Place was around when I had my miscarriage” and “I would have loved a place to connect with others who experienced a miscarriage – I felt so alone.”

Realizing how we felt after our miscarriages is what inspired Sharon & I to start www.OurHopePlace.com.  I  hope that if you are reading this blog that you pass our link onto anyone who you know who could benefit from having a place to connect with others who have experienced the same loss so they will not feel so alone.

 

Grey’s Anatomy Season Finale – Meredith Grey has a Miscarriage

Grey’s Anatomy Season Finale – Meredith Grey has a Miscarriage

As a big fan of Grey’s Anatomy, I was sad to watch as Meredith experienced a miscarriage during the season finale (http://abc.go.com/shows/greys-anatomy?CID=yahoo_SEM_UU_1&K_CLICKID=55bf1cc7-c9d8-a6a8-d3d9-000044a78e75).   It will be interesting to see how the show deals with all the emotions, feelings and thoughts that come with losing a baby. I hope they explore how men & women grieve differently for the same loss. This was a topic that we (www.OurHopePlace.com) found very interesting and dedicated part of our website to.

Men, Women, Miscarriage And Grieving Styles         By: Paula Levy

Miscarriage is an emotional and confusing time for most couples. There are few societal rituals for grieving for a miscarriage and the depth of this pain is not well recognized in our culture. In addition, couples have little or no physical existence of their child (pictures, toys, memories) and therefore it becomes difficult for them to validate their loss in the usual ways. Add to this mix the fact that women and men usually grieve differently which can cause miscommunication, hurt and disappointment between them. As a result, a mother and father can have vastly different reactions to a miscarriage. In many cases, the mother doesn’t understand why her husband is not experiencing significant grief and the father doesn’t understand why his wife is so devastated. This can have profound implications for the marriage. http://www.ourhopeplace.com/PaulaLevyExpert.html

Hopefully www.ABC.com & Grey’s Anatomy will truly sink their teeth into the miscarriage topic and Meredith & Derek will have “real life” discussions and reactions to what just happen to them as parents. It would be a great opportunity to help the many women & men who experience the devastation of miscarriage every day. Ways to help someone who has experienced a miscarriage can be found at www.OurHopePlace.com  (http://www.ourhopeplace.com/whattodo.html)

In the real world, Derek could send Meredith a “bracelet of hope” to acknowledge her miscarriage and help her start on her healing journey. We can only Hope! (“bracelet of hope” story – http://www.ourhopeplace.com/BraceletStory.html)