Share your miscarriage story


Happened again, I was talking to a friend about nothing in particular, kids stuff, work stuff, the norm; then she started crying… “I did it, I blame myself, I caused my miscarriage”. Wow! My wonderful, friend, seemed to have all together, has this massive burden of guilt. In fact, turns out 74% of women feel this way.

The reality is doctors more often than not don’t know what causes a miscarriage. It is so common, over 1 million each year in the USA. 20-25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage…

So I listened, then I asked her why she felt this way… She just knew. The doctor hadn’t said had done anything; the doctor didn’t know why she had miscarried. I wanted to hug her and somehow get through to her that she didn’t do this… She had two beautiful children, a wonderful life. I so want to help her heal, to let go of the guilt and pain. She said she never would; it is her way of coping.

Why do women do this? Why is our inner voice so tough on us? Why do we bully ourselves?

I gave my friend a bracelet of hope… So she knows I am here for her. (read about it at ourhopeplace.com)

How did you heal from your miscarriage? Did you? I hope so, I hope you had a wonderful family and friends who surrounded you with love.

A thank you note to Beyonce… For sharing “the saddest thing…” her miscarriage. And then sharing her likely happiest, her new baby. Thank you for breaking the silence. For letting women who are suffering that they are not alone. That miscarriage is all too common, and that we need to help each other. And importantly, that there can be hope and happiness after.

9 years after my miscarriage I am still surprised that miscarriage remains a taboo subject. Why? It is too personal, it hurts too much, it makes us uncomfortable, we don’t know how to help, it’s too hard, it hurts too much, it’s too sad… Yes, it is all that. And the person suffering, what about her? If we do nothing, we leave her alone, suffering at a time she needs help most.

Want to help but not sure how? Want to know what do to, not to do, what to say and not to say? There is eve a little retail therapy if that interests you… I used personally and have shared many bracelets of hope. Visit ourhopeplace.com.

We started out trying to help friends help their friends cope, hope and heal after miscarriage…

Please pass along and share… Help others!

While I wish miscarriage didn’t exist, it’s nice to know we can help each other with the healing. Take a read at the youthful homemaker. Christina, we feel your pain, and hope in some small way we have helped.

Yesterday a friend came over and said I heard you help women, their family and friends when someone has had a miscarriage.  Can you help me?  My sister-in-law had a miscarriage and none of us know what to do, how can we help?

I told her I was very sorry.  I asked how was everyone doing.  Seems her sister-in-law didn’t want to talk much about her miscarriage.  My friend clearly wanted to, so we did.  I shared with her that the best thing to do is to acknowledge her sister-in-laws loss, then take the cue as a next step from her.  If she doesn’t want to talk about it, think you have to respect her wishes (see our 7 tips on how to help).

Then she asked if I would share my story… and I did.  And it hit me  — Jan 15th had passed…  without incident…  how could that be?  I usually dread the day.  Think about it for many days in advance.  This year, for the first time in 7 years, I didn’t.  I didn’t stress myself out.  I didn’t blame myself.  I did ask why.  I didn’t …  I didn’t… I didn’t…  and then I realized, I didn’t feel guilty.  And it was ok.  While I will always miss my child, for the first time in a long time I feel like I am healing.  I am finding peace.  It feels good…

I hope you find the same!

My friend Kim (Thanks Kim!) sent me this link from TED… ” Let’s talk parenting taboos:  Rufus Griscom + Alisa Volkman” .  Feel free to watch the entire link, or if you want to see what they say about miscarriage, try 9:17-11:30.   Griscom and Alisa seem like any couple USA; people you want to be friends with.  They fall in love, get married, start a family, and then try to add a second child to their family.

Seems like the fairytale, right?  Not so much.  Alisa suffered the loss of her unborn child when she is 5 months pregnant.   (Before I go further, we are so sorry for her pain and loss.)  They talk about  how she wanted to crawl into a hole. That she felt ashamed, embarrased that she couldn’t do what she was genetically designed to do.  She didn’t know how she would find her way out of the hole, back to her life.  She ultimately did get back to her life.  What helped her was the outpouring of stories from friends and family all who either suffered the same, or knew someone who did.

Alisa shares so many thoughts that we talk to as well:

– Miscarriage is so common; 20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage

– That very often women feel they have somehow contributed or caused their miscarriage

-That once you have a miscarriage, it is like membership in this secret society/sisterhood that you didn’t want to join

-Miscarriage is a loss like no other – there are no pictures (well maybe a sonogram), no memories, no common rituals (like a funeral, though sometimes people will have one or a ceremony they plan).

It is amazing to us that at a time when people most need help, society leaves them to suffer alone.  Really, is that what we should be doing?

At Our Hope Place, we want to help women and their families find their way forward, to grieve and to heal… how I wish I knew Alisa years ago.  I would have sent her a bracelet from OHP to acknowledge her loss.  I would have shared my story.  If someone you know has suffered a miscarriage, acknowledge her loss.  Check out our tips on how to help at Our Hope Place.com.    Won’t you help?

PS:  TED is a non-profit.  TED = Technology, Entertainment, Design —  Ideas worth spreading…  check them out…  really interesting stuff going on there!

From a recent contact to Our Hope Place…  a mother writing about her daughter’s miscarriage, and the loss of her grandchild…

This (Our Hope Place) is a very good site. My daughter is 20 years old. very shortly she will be 21. She and her boyfriend have only been together several months so they are getting to know each other still. Earlier this year she suffered a miscarriage but it was a few weeks in so she was still getting used to being pregnant and it didn’t affect her as bad. There was no sonogram or heartbeat she heard to remember it. But accidently she got pregnant soon after that loss. This time hurt more. She had the sonogram picture and heard a very strong heartbeat. This time the baby was almost 3 months along. Everything was going very good. She was trying to take good care of herself. She went for her second exam to check the baby again. She was even asking the doctor before her exam if she would know if something was wrong with the baby. The doctor told her the baby was doing fine and nothing was wrong. She went in and there was no heartbeat this time. That doctor felt like a heel when she had to tell my daughter that. They made her an appointment for 2 weeks later to see what to do next. They made her carry her dead baby inside her for 2 weeks. Emotionally that was very rough for her. When they didn’t hear a heartbeat they said the baby measured less by a week or two compared to what it should have been. We bought a few things for the baby already before that. You see my daughter lost her baby and I lost my first grandchild. This past weekend was very rough for her. She had severe pain and alot of blood clots and blood through the weekend. Her appointment was monday for the 2 week followup. I took her to the er Sunday night to get her some help. During the pelvic the doctor seen the sac still trying to pass. He went ahead and pulled it out. The lab looked it over and said it was the sac where the baby was but they seen no baby. I get sick of hearing her body reabsorbed it. It was almost 3 months along. How can a almost 3 month old fetus be reabsorbed into the body? We are still dealing with that question. Well she is still passing blood clots and having alot of pain from cramps. They told her today if she passes anymore big clots and if she is still passing them after tomorrow call them right back. Our family is so confused as to why after two miscarriages they dont feel a d and c is necessary to make sure she is cleaned out. She got a packet from the hospital where they have a good support group for women who have miscarriages. They gave her a little baby ring. She is going to carry that on a chain around her neck to deal with the loss better. Next week I am going with her to a memorial for women that lost their babies early on. We are getting an ornament with a name for the baby engraved on it for the tree. I told her I will go with her to a support group to try to help her get through this. Next year they have a burial for miscarried babies in a cemetary free of charge here. We don’t want people to think of us as sick people to have wanted to see what the baby looked like to get final closure for us. This support group told her that is normal and we shouldn’t feel ashamed. Alot of people don’t understand how people going through this feel. That was an actual living breathing little person growing. I have never experienced a miscarriage myself but I am grieving the loss of my grandchild. I am trying to help my daughter through this with all the love I have to give. We have some support from our family that are sharing their love and support. Some family members don’t help so we keep them out of it. I know the time wasn’t right but they don’t understand my daughter was feeling this little being inside her, heard that strong heartbeat, had a picture of it, nicknamed it. It was still a person. This is an excellent website like I said because watching my daughter go through this it is hard to find people who actually know there is a grieving process for this too. She went through the is it me, what did i do wrong, can I ever have a baby when the time is right feelings too. It helps me to get all these feelings out too. Thank you for listening. I have more understanding for people who go through miscarriages now I must say. And thank you for understanding and knowing it is normal and fine to go through the grieving process even for grandmas like me. I love my daughter so much and when she hurts I hurt. I am just trying to help her cause she has rough days and ok days. She is quite a ways from getting over this but we are learning it is a process that takes time but we will always hold the memory of her lost baby in our hearts.

Our thoughts and prayers are with you!

Devastated!  Kelsey and his girlfriend are devastated.  I understand all too well.  Anyone who has suffered a miscarriage knows…  all 1 million of us (each year in the US alone) know.

While I am sorry for Kelsey and his girlfriend’s loss, I am so happy they are brave enough to come forward and share their loss.  Maybe by them coming forward they will raise awareness of miscarriage loss, show how healing begins with acknowledgement, and in time, find peace.

That is our mission at OurHopePlace.com We want to demystify miscarriage.  We give ideas on how to acknowledge loss.  We have an amazing bracelet of hope that helps with healing – I know, I used it myself and have given it to many friends and family.

If you will indulge my tangent, wanted to share, I just gave a bracelet to a friend last week.  She just found out she is pregnant for the 7th time…  3 wonderful children, 3 miscarriages.  She was so worried about this pregnancy; I gave her my bracelet.  She was thrilled…  and her sonogram this week looked good – keeping positive thoughts!

Back to the subject at hand…  I hope there is much support for Kelsey and his girlfriend (wish I knew her name).  May they find peace and hope…

 

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