Thanks to Rachel Demas (& Mamapedia) for sharing her thoughts (that a lot of us also had) about how to think after experiencing a miscarriage.

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Trying Again After Miscarriage

October 15, 2013 by Rachel Demas of “Tao of Poop”  
I found these words spilling out of my mouth on my first date with my husband, “Well, I’m not sure if I can even have kids at this point, since I’m in my forties.”

The thought bubble over my head was saying, “Why on earth are you telling this man these things?! Not exactly fun and flirty dinner conversation!”

Another part of my brain was saying, “Oh well, if you’re gonna scare him away, make it sooner rather than later, for everyone’s sake.”

My future husband replied, “I want children, but I’d rather end up with the right woman than worry about what our life should look like. I’d be happy adopting or figuring it out somehow.”

Clearly, I was the right woman, and he, the right man and we were married shortly after. Embarking on the journey of getting pregnant was easy then, when I had nothing to lose. We also got pregnant quickly.

Then, I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks.

I experienced what it was like to want something, and have it taken away. Intellectually, I thought I was prepared. I knew all the doom and gloom statistics about conception and miscarriage for women in their 40’s, but, until it actually happened to me, I had blissful ignorance on my side.

The hardest choice I ever made was to try again. It meant staying open to not knowing the ending of our story, facing the possibility of miscarriage again (indeed, we had one more), and living in a state of limbo.

There were times when the easier choice seemed to close the door on having a baby entirely and just move on with our lives. It’s a double-edged sword, facing the unknown with someone you love. You each have your own journey full of personal shades of trepidation and hope. Sometimes, one person can carry the other through the down times. Sometimes, both of you need a little support, but neither has the resources to give.

Ultimately, it was my husband’s character that gave me the strength to keep trying, though. His words on our first date continued to resonate in our lives. He showed me how to put relationships over goals. He helped me have faith that the journey would take us exactly where we needed to go. He taught me that hope isn’t getting what you think you want, but being open to what you receive.

Two and a half years after that first date, our daughter Claire was born.

I’m glad I listened to my heart on our first date. Between you and me, another thought bubble over my head was “I think I could marry this man.” I didn’t share that one with him either.

Editor’s Note: Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. If you are, or know a Mommy or Daddy who has lost a child (born or unborn), go to our Facebook page and send them a virtual message of hope and support.

Rachel Demas spends her days with her delightful and frustrating two year old, Claire, in New York City. She blogs at The Tao of Poop about the shock and amazement of being a first-time, oldish mom. Claire is usually the star of her writing with guest appearances by her husband, George, and two cats, Lloyd and Sophia. You can follow her on Facebook, Twitter and Google+.

Another year but the feelings can still be the same. This year, Mother’s Day is May 12. If you have had a miscarriage, Mother’s Day can bring on a whole range of emotions and thoughts of what could have been. Even if many years have passed since your miscarriage, you may be surprised about how you feel. Happy and sad thoughts may sprinkle your day. We know this all too well because we are two women who have experienced miscarriage and have gone on to heal. We created Our Hope Place (www.OurHopePlace.com) in order for friends to help friends cope, hope and heal after miscarriage.

Here are some suggestions to get you through the day:

-Recognize your true feelings. Don’t hide or discount them. Part of you may want to celebrate Mother’s Day because you are a mom to the baby you lost. You may want to celebrate with the other “moms” in your life. Ask your spouse or a family member to be your “soft place” that day. Whenever you need a break, let this person take care of you.

-Be kind to yourself on Mother’s Day. Do not criticize yourself for how you are feeling or put pressure on yourself. Be your best friend and make the day special to you.

-Plan ahead to do something meaningful that will bring a smile to your face. Plant a flower or tree to remember your baby. Take a walk with your spouse. Go to church and say a prayer. Get together with the important women in your life. Laugh with your family. Even stay under the covers and read a great book.

-Don’t be afraid to say “NO”. Do what you need to do on Mother’s Day even if it means not participating in traditional family events. If you can find the words, explain why you would rather not participate to your family. (“Right now I am feeling too emotional to be with everyone on Mother’s Day.”) If that is too difficult, maybe your spouse or close relative can explain how you are feeling and why you will not be there on Mother’s Day.

-Try to focus on the positive. Being grateful for what we already had in our lives and thinking positively is what helped us with our healing process and led us to create Our Hope Place (www.OurHopePlace.com). We decided to share our friendship, a special bracelet of hope and it’s inspiring story to help other women who have also experienced miscarriage.

Only by being true to yourself and celebrating Mother’s Day in your own way will you will be able to remember your loss, continue with your healing process and look to the future.

Here’s to celebrating Mother’s Day your way! Good luck! Let us know how your day goes, and have no doubt, this is your day too! You can also tweet us @OurHopePlace

Have you seen the new “blue envelope” advertising campaign (in London & online as news)? It encourages people to talk about miscarriage.

Specifically the Tiffany colored envelopes (anyone else see the irony in that?) are addressed “to anyone”. Inside is an invitation stating, “talking about miscarriage helps”. Click here to read about.

At Our Hope Place we couldn’t agree more. With 1 in 4 pregnancies ending in miscarriage, it is all too common. Yet we treat it like a taboo subject. Leaving people to suffer in silence. Doesn’t make any sense to us.

So, I ask you? Do you know someone who had a miscarriage? Want to help, but not sure how? Go to our hope place read what to do, what not do to. Read about the bracelet of hope, how it came about… and find a way to acknowledge and offer specific support. (not a generic, call me if you need something. Make them dinner, give a hug, sit and listen,…)

Let’s all help each other!

Hi, it just occurred to me OurHopePlace.com has been helping women cope, hope and heal after miscarriage for just over 6 years now…

It has been a humbling experience helping people. We have been touched by so many people’s pain as well as stories of hope. We know the devastation and loss of hope with each miscarriage. We have found joy with the birth of every baby, and equally joy with each adoption… The road to motherhood can take many paths, each one equally important, equally blessed.

Each time someone sends a bracelet of hope or an angel token (or other gift) from our site, we believe we are enabling good in the world. We know we are when we see repeat order or ones that say, “I hope this bracelet helps you as much as it helped me”.

This has been a journey. I thank each of you for reaching out, for helping others (or helping yourself – bc it is still hard for people to know what to do and what not to do.)

We have come a long way, with more to go… It is great to take a pause, reflect, and say thank you.

Happened again, I was talking to a friend about nothing in particular, kids stuff, work stuff, the norm; then she started crying… “I did it, I blame myself, I caused my miscarriage”. Wow! My wonderful, friend, seemed to have all together, has this massive burden of guilt. In fact, turns out 74% of women feel this way.

The reality is doctors more often than not don’t know what causes a miscarriage. It is so common, over 1 million each year in the USA. 20-25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage…

So I listened, then I asked her why she felt this way… She just knew. The doctor hadn’t said had done anything; the doctor didn’t know why she had miscarried. I wanted to hug her and somehow get through to her that she didn’t do this… She had two beautiful children, a wonderful life. I so want to help her heal, to let go of the guilt and pain. She said she never would; it is her way of coping.

Why do women do this? Why is our inner voice so tough on us? Why do we bully ourselves?

I gave my friend a bracelet of hope… So she knows I am here for her. (read about it at ourhopeplace.com)

How did you heal from your miscarriage? Did you? I hope so, I hope you had a wonderful family and friends who surrounded you with love.

Celebrities tell of their road to being a mom… Including their miscarriage story

Read this article, know miscarriage is all too common. Talking about it let’s women know they are not alone. You might be surprised how much this can help.

Visit ourhopeplace.com to learn more about how to help.

A thank you note to Beyonce… For sharing “the saddest thing…” her miscarriage. And then sharing her likely happiest, her new baby. Thank you for breaking the silence. For letting women who are suffering that they are not alone. That miscarriage is all too common, and that we need to help each other. And importantly, that there can be hope and happiness after.

9 years after my miscarriage I am still surprised that miscarriage remains a taboo subject. Why? It is too personal, it hurts too much, it makes us uncomfortable, we don’t know how to help, it’s too hard, it hurts too much, it’s too sad… Yes, it is all that. And the person suffering, what about her? If we do nothing, we leave her alone, suffering at a time she needs help most.

Want to help but not sure how? Want to know what do to, not to do, what to say and not to say? There is eve a little retail therapy if that interests you… I used personally and have shared many bracelets of hope. Visit ourhopeplace.com.

We started out trying to help friends help their friends cope, hope and heal after miscarriage…

Please pass along and share… Help others!