Father’s Day (June 19th) is coming up this weekend.  Celebrating often includes BBQs, baseball and families getting together.  But what happens if you are the man  & your wife/partner has suffered a miscarriage.  You may not be in the spirit to celebrate.  And that is OK.

Going with your gut instinct and doing (or not doing) what feels right for you on that day is what you should do.  Only by being true to yourself about your feelings toward celebrating Father’s Day will you be able to heal.  On our blog on June 7th we gave some suggestions on how to help get through the day – https://ourhopeplace.wordpress.com/

We would also like to include a link to Our Hope Place (www.OurHopePlace.com) where we have an expert talk about “Men, Women, Miscarriage & Grieving Styles” – we hope this helps – (see link below for complete information and chart)

Men, Women, Miscarriage And Grieving Styles
By: Paula Levy

Miscarriage is an emotional and confusing time for most couples.  There are few societal rituals for grieving for a miscarriage and the depth of this pain is not well recognized in our culture.   In addition, couples have little or no physical existence of their child (pictures, toys, memories) and therefore it becomes difficult for them to validate their loss in the usual ways.  Add to this mix the
fact that women and men usually grieve differently which can cause miscommunication, hurt and disappointment between them.  As a result, a mother and father can have vastly different reactions to a miscarriage.  In many cases, the mother doesn’t understand why her husband is not experiencing significant grief and the father doesn’t understand why his wife is so
devastated.  This can have profound implications for the marriage.

http://www.ourhopeplace.com/PaulaLevyExpert.html

Please let us know if you have a special way of celebrating Father’s Day after your miscarriage.

From the TODAY Show this morning:

Marc Sedaka stood by while he and his wife endured endless rounds of drug therapies, 16 artificial inseminations, 10 in-vitro fertilizations, three miscarriages and, finally, a gestational surrogate who carried their twin girls to term. With the help of his own infertility doctor, Dr. Gregory Rosen, Sedaka has crafted the book “What He Can Expect When She’s Not Expecting: How to Support Your Wife, Save Your Marriage, and Conquer Infertility.” Here is an excerpt.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/42096898/ns/today-books/

It is great to hear a man’s point of view when it comes to infertility.  So many times (as also the case with miscarriage) the woman grieves silently and feels alone as the man “seems” to get back to his “normal” life.  Just the idea of knowing you are not alone in your situation can help.  Thanks for sharing your story.  http://www.OurHopePlace.com – “Helping friends cope, hope and heal after a miscarriage.”

Over the holidays I had a chance to catch up with a bunch of reality shows that I don’t always get to watch.  I am not the biggest fan of reality TV for many reason but I give a thumbs up to  “Giuliana & Bill” on MyStyle.com – “Once upon a time, E! News anchor Giuliana DePandi and Apprentice winner Bill Rancic fell in love, got married and settled down…in Chicago and L.A.! So what happens when they try to bring a baby into their real-life romantic comedy?” (http://www.mystyle.com/mystyle/shows/giulianaandbill/index.jsp)

The episodes I watched dealt with the couple going through IVF, finding out they were pregnant and then they miscarried at around 7 weeks.  This was the same amount of weeks that I miscarried over 10 years ago.

I cried as watched the couple go thru the heart wrenching experience – especially Giuliana wondering what she had done to cause the miscarriage.  Even though your doctor usually tells you that miscarriages “just happen” and most times it was nothing that the woman did to cause it – I think as a woman you are always second guessing everything you did from the time you were told you were pregnant till the time you find out you miscarried.

I could also relate to the couple feeling like they were accomplished in so many areas of their life but yet “failing” in the baby-making department.  As if they were being punished for something.

Seeing Bill get upset for his wife and what she was going thru was a nice change from the usual stoic man response that is played out on TV.  At http://www.OurHopePlace.com there is a whole section on how men and woman grieve differently and also about how the man may be feeling. (http://www.ourhopeplace.com/PaulaLevyExpert.html)

I applaud the show for really getting into the true emotions of a couple going through miscarriage.  So many times miscarriage is treated as a moment in time on TV but in real life it can affect you for the rest of your life.  Best of Luck to Giuliana & Bill on their journey to have a family.

Grey’s Anatomy Season Premiere – Meredith Grey has a Miscarriage

It should be interesting to see how ABC deals with Meredith Grey’s miscarriage on tomorrow  night’s  episode – will it be swept under the carpet or will ABC address the “real” feelings, thoughts and emotions that come with experiencing a miscarriage??????  Let us know what you think.

Hopefully www.ABC.com & Grey’s Anatomy will truly sink their teeth into the miscarriage topic and Meredith & Derek will have “real life” discussions and reactions to what just happen to them as parents. It would be a great opportunity to help the many women & men who experience the devastation of miscarriage every day. Ways to help someone who has experienced a miscarriage can be found at  www.OurHopePlace.com  (http://www.ourhopeplace.com/whattodo.html)

Our Post from May 2010

Grey’s Anatomy Season Finale – Meredith Grey has a Miscarriage

As a big fan of Grey’s Anatomy, I was sad to watch as Meredith experienced a miscarriage during the season finale (http://abc.go.com/shows/greys-anatomy?CID=yahoo_SEM_UU_1&K_CLICKID=55bf1cc7-c9d8-a6a8-d3d9-000044a78e75).   It will be interesting to see how the show deals with all the emotions, feelings and thoughts that come with losing a baby. I hope they explore how men & women grieve differently for the same loss. This was a topic that we (www.OurHopePlace.com) found very interesting and dedicated part of our website to.

Men, Women, Miscarriage And Grieving Styles         By: Paula Levy

Miscarriage is an emotional and confusing time for most couples. There are few societal rituals for grieving for a miscarriage and the depth of this pain is not well recognized in our culture. In addition, couples have little or no physical existence of their child (pictures, toys, memories) and therefore it becomes difficult for them to validate their loss in the usual ways. Add to this mix the fact that women and men usually grieve differently which can cause miscommunication, hurt and disappointment between them. As a result, a mother and father can have vastly different reactions to a miscarriage. In many cases, the mother doesn’t understand why her husband is not experiencing significant grief and the father doesn’t understand why his wife is so devastated. This can have profound implications for the marriage. http://www.ourhopeplace.com/PaulaLevyExpert.html

In the real world, Derek could send Meredith a “bracelet of hope” to acknowledge her miscarriage and help her start on her healing journey. We can only Hope! (“bracelet of hope” story – http://www.ourhopeplace.com/BraceletStory.html)

 

From a recent contact to www.OurHopePlace.com,

I’m happy to help lend my support–from the husbands/males perspective. One of the two miscarriages we suffered is still fresh in my memory (although I’ll never forget either) as it happened about a month ago. The facts: The first miscarriage happened more than two years ago (Feb. 2006). We had a healthy boy (now 4) before the first miscarriage and went on to have a second healthy boy (now 16 months) before the second miscarriage. We’re going to try for more still, but want to wait before trying again.

The reason I’m so eager to share my experience is because when I found out my wife had misscarried the first time I had a half hour drive before seeing her (I was at work when she went to the dr’s appointment, and she called me from their office to tell me. She was sobbing. It was the single worst phone call I’ve ever received in my life.)

I didn’t know where to turn for some comfort of knowledge of how to deal with it. I called my sister who had a miscarriage herself, and asked (although I was sobbing the whole way home. Frankly, it’s still difficult to talk about as the emotions associated with the memory come back easily) how she handled the news/information.

Miscarriage hard on both spouses when it happens. Granted, it is much harder on the woman, in this case my wife. But watching her suffer and the sadness or letdown was also hard on myself. I am glad I had family to lean on and that my wife and I had each other. We still don’t know why it happened to us, but we take a great deal of comfort and gratitude for our two healthy boys that have blessed our lives.

-Jonathan

From a recent contact to www.OurHopePlace.com

We have suffered through 3 miscarriages. The physical effects my wife went through were terrible (including depression). The emotional effects we both suffered were devastating. The fear with each subsequent pregnancy was crippling.

Our first miscarriage happened spontaneously; there was no warning. We were so unprepared. I will never forget it. Why weren’t we more prepared? Why don’t
doctors tell you about the possibility of a miscarriage. I have come to learn how common
miscarriage is (1 million in the US each year, 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage) – why, why doesn’t the medical profession address this? There is conversation about lots of tests, miscarriage should be added to this list!

From my point of view as the husband of a wife who has suffered a miscarriage, I would say it is hard to really understand exactly what it is my wife went through. I loved our baby. I felt devastated when we suffered a miscarriage. But it wasn’t my body. I didn’t have hormones raging, I wasn’t the one suffering the physical effects.

I kept thinking how can a husband and wife really share if you don’t know exactly what your wife is going through? I wanted to share the burden. I wanted to carry the burden, to protect my wife, but how could I do that? I felt very much at a loss as how to help.

Even with 3 miscarriages, we clung to hope. You feel pain, but you can’t lose hope. What kept us going was speaking with medical experts. They couldn’t explain why we lost 3 babies, but they could help us with a way forward, a way to becoming parents – something we wanted more than anything. Medical advancements kept us focused and kept hope in our lives.

I am happy to say we are now 17 weeks pregnant; all looks good! Keep us in your thoughts and prayers and hopefully next Valentine’s Day there will be a special baby in our lives!

-Adam