Thanks to Rachel Demas (& Mamapedia) for sharing her thoughts (that a lot of us also had) about how to think after experiencing a miscarriage.

Mamapedia Voices

Mamapedia City Voices highlights the inside scoop on your city by selected writers, from up-and-coming mom bloggers to well-known mom experts.

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Trying Again After Miscarriage

October 15, 2013 by Rachel Demas of “Tao of Poop”  
I found these words spilling out of my mouth on my first date with my husband, “Well, I’m not sure if I can even have kids at this point, since I’m in my forties.”

The thought bubble over my head was saying, “Why on earth are you telling this man these things?! Not exactly fun and flirty dinner conversation!”

Another part of my brain was saying, “Oh well, if you’re gonna scare him away, make it sooner rather than later, for everyone’s sake.”

My future husband replied, “I want children, but I’d rather end up with the right woman than worry about what our life should look like. I’d be happy adopting or figuring it out somehow.”

Clearly, I was the right woman, and he, the right man and we were married shortly after. Embarking on the journey of getting pregnant was easy then, when I had nothing to lose. We also got pregnant quickly.

Then, I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks.

I experienced what it was like to want something, and have it taken away. Intellectually, I thought I was prepared. I knew all the doom and gloom statistics about conception and miscarriage for women in their 40’s, but, until it actually happened to me, I had blissful ignorance on my side.

The hardest choice I ever made was to try again. It meant staying open to not knowing the ending of our story, facing the possibility of miscarriage again (indeed, we had one more), and living in a state of limbo.

There were times when the easier choice seemed to close the door on having a baby entirely and just move on with our lives. It’s a double-edged sword, facing the unknown with someone you love. You each have your own journey full of personal shades of trepidation and hope. Sometimes, one person can carry the other through the down times. Sometimes, both of you need a little support, but neither has the resources to give.

Ultimately, it was my husband’s character that gave me the strength to keep trying, though. His words on our first date continued to resonate in our lives. He showed me how to put relationships over goals. He helped me have faith that the journey would take us exactly where we needed to go. He taught me that hope isn’t getting what you think you want, but being open to what you receive.

Two and a half years after that first date, our daughter Claire was born.

I’m glad I listened to my heart on our first date. Between you and me, another thought bubble over my head was “I think I could marry this man.” I didn’t share that one with him either.

Editor’s Note: Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. If you are, or know a Mommy or Daddy who has lost a child (born or unborn), go to our Facebook page and send them a virtual message of hope and support.

Rachel Demas spends her days with her delightful and frustrating two year old, Claire, in New York City. She blogs at The Tao of Poop about the shock and amazement of being a first-time, oldish mom. Claire is usually the star of her writing with guest appearances by her husband, George, and two cats, Lloyd and Sophia. You can follow her on Facebook, Twitter and Google+.

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Thank you Michelle for sharing this blessing with your friend Sharon and for letting us pass it along.

A Birth Healing Blessing

Blessed sister, beautiful one
with broken wings.
Your journey is a difficult one
that no mother should have to endure.
Your path is steep, rocky and slippery
and your tender heart is in need of gentle healing.

Breathe deeply and know that you are loved.
You are not alone,
though at times, you will feel like a
desolate island of grief
untouchable
distant.
Close your eyes.
Seek the wisdom of women who have walked this well-worn path
before you,
before,
and before,
and before you yourself were born.
These beautiful
ones
with eyes like yours
have shared your pain, and
weathered the storms of loss.

You are not alone (breathe in)
You will go on (breathe out)
Your wings will mend (breathe in)
You are loved (breathe out)

~ Mary Burgess

Father’s Day (June 19th) is coming up this weekend.  Celebrating often includes BBQs, baseball and families getting together.  But what happens if you are the man  & your wife/partner has suffered a miscarriage.  You may not be in the spirit to celebrate.  And that is OK.

Going with your gut instinct and doing (or not doing) what feels right for you on that day is what you should do.  Only by being true to yourself about your feelings toward celebrating Father’s Day will you be able to heal.  On our blog on June 7th we gave some suggestions on how to help get through the day – https://ourhopeplace.wordpress.com/

We would also like to include a link to Our Hope Place (www.OurHopePlace.com) where we have an expert talk about “Men, Women, Miscarriage & Grieving Styles” – we hope this helps – (see link below for complete information and chart)

Men, Women, Miscarriage And Grieving Styles
By: Paula Levy

Miscarriage is an emotional and confusing time for most couples.  There are few societal rituals for grieving for a miscarriage and the depth of this pain is not well recognized in our culture.   In addition, couples have little or no physical existence of their child (pictures, toys, memories) and therefore it becomes difficult for them to validate their loss in the usual ways.  Add to this mix the
fact that women and men usually grieve differently which can cause miscommunication, hurt and disappointment between them.  As a result, a mother and father can have vastly different reactions to a miscarriage.  In many cases, the mother doesn’t understand why her husband is not experiencing significant grief and the father doesn’t understand why his wife is so
devastated.  This can have profound implications for the marriage.

http://www.ourhopeplace.com/PaulaLevyExpert.html

Please let us know if you have a special way of celebrating Father’s Day after your miscarriage.

I just finished reading a unique book – “The Seven Wonders That Will Change Your Life” by Glen Beck & Keith Oblow.  I did not know what to expect when I opened the book but the following sentences from the book hit home with me.

They explained to me in words (all quotes below from their book) what we at Our Hope Place (www.OurHopePlace.com) try to do everyday with the story of our miscarriages – share how we feel, share how we think about what happened to us and hopefully help others who find themselves in the same situation-to not feel so alone.

Why we share our story at Our Hope Place:

“We understand that no person’s life is precisely like any other’s, but we also understand that one life story can reflect the challenges each and every one of us faces in attempting to love ourselves and others and pursue happiness.”

“No two human experiences repeat themselves exactly, but there are underlying patterns that occur again and again – patterns we can learn a tremendous amount from.”

“Why can one life, honestly told, influence many lives?  Why can human beings learn from the experiences, thoughts, and feelings of others?  What energy is being tapped when one person is willing to completely open his or her heart and soul to others?”

Helping others to not feel alone after their miscarriage:

“So many of us believe we are alone in our shortcomings and fears and challenges and questions and hopes and dreams that we must keep ourselves undercover, lest we be seen for the imperfect people we are.  But nothing could be further from the truth.  There is far more that connects us than separates us.  We are all struggling.  We are all on difficult, sometimes tortuous, journeys that are really meant – designed, in fact, by God – to lead us to the best in ourselves.”

If you have experienced a miscarriage or know someone who has – please take a minute to tell them about http://www.OurHopePlace.com so that “one human being’s intensely personal tests and triumphs can be harnessed to the good of countless others. “

Hi … so this is a little shameless (again), but here goes…

As you know, we have entered a contest with leading Moms in Business…

Please Click here to vote… by doing so you will help us raise the profile of Our Hope Place.com… this will ultimately lead to us helping more women and their families who suffer from miscarriage…

You can vote every day until the end of March… we are so close! Click here to learn more about Our Hope Place and those who suffer from miscarriage. THANKS!!!

THANK YOU!!! Thanks to all of you, Our Hope Place is is Fast Company’s Fast 50 Reader Favorites! This is very exciting for us! It means we are getting the word out on www.OurHopePlace.com and most importantly, this means we are helping women/families that suffer from miscarriage! So thanks!

Click here to see the entire Fast Company Fast 50 2008 Reader Favorites

I am so excited, I had to share…
It is my dream that miscarriages wouldn’t exist, but since I think it is unlikely that I can erase miscarriage from the dictionary of our lives, I can try to help in other ways…  I can help with healing!  And that is what we do at Our Hope Place – based on our own personal experience and our collective helping each other, as well as friends and family heal…  
Recently two of our friends at Ladies Who Launch (LWL), Stella Grizont and Rebecca Hendrix, were interviewed on Channel 12 “On The Money”, talking about LWL helps women launch businesses.  They highlighted Our Hope Place and our bracelet of hope – we are thankful for them getting the word out… the more we share, the more we can women and their family’s suffer a little less.
Here is the link to watch the show!
our segment begins at around 5min30 seconds into the show.
We are very excited!