Please Help – Send a letter to Governor Cuomo – Certificate of Still Birth Bill

With this bill the state recognizes stillbirth as a significant event that others can recognize.  Read below for more information.

If you can send the below snail mail letter, it would be very much appreciated!  If you forward to others, please stress that this is the only letter that can be sent to the Governor – no changes, no exceptions. Thank you!!!

 We have one last request to ask of you. We need letters mailed to Governor Cuomo. Lots of letters.

Below is the letter to use.  Those close to the Governor have strongly urged us to use this form letter, rather than write letters of support using personal stories. Our bill has unfairly been drawn into the pro-choice/life debate and we have made some concessions this year that has enabled it to pass both houses.

 

We can’t take any chances. We have one opportunity to let the Governor know how important this bill is. If he vetos the bill, we will need to start all over in January.

 

Once the Governor signs the bill into law, we will encourage you to write your own thank you note and share your stories, then. But for now, please only use the form letter below.

ENVELOPE:

Address and mail to: Kristin Ross, Legislative Secretary, Capitol Room 239, Albany NY 12224

On lower left corner of envelope write: “A.8178a / S.3111b In Support of Certificate of Still Birth”

LETTER:

 

[DATE]

 

Honorable Andrew M. Cuomo
Governor, State of New York
The Capitol
Albany, NY 12224

Dear Governor Cuomo,

On June 16^th the New York legislature overwhelmingly passed a bill to provide a Certificate of Still Birth. Bills A.8178a & S.3111b help provide much-needed comfort, dignity, and documentation to women and their families who have experienced the tragedy of stillbirth. This public health crisis devastates more than 1,700 New York families each year, and nearly 30,000 nationwide.

 

In [YEAR], I [my sister, my aunt, my brother, my friend, etc] suffered the stillbirth of my [son/daughter/grandchild/niece/nephew, etc] and saw family, friends and colleagues struggle to find words of comfort. With this bill the state recognizes stillbirth as a significant event that others can recognize.

 

All states, including New York, require the family to pay for funeral and burial or cremation expenses, and a death certificate is issued. Although a fetal demise is considered as both a birth and a death as per NYS Public Health law, until now New York did not consider the option of a Certificate of Still Birth.

 

This bill will increase awareness of stillbirth, and in doing so may stimulate the allotment of research funds to uncover the etiologies of stillbirth, most of which are unknown at this time. With more information, women and families will be better prepared to maintain healthy pregnancies.

 

I strongly urge your support of Assembly bill A.8178a and Senate bill S.3111b. Thank you in advance for helping countless New York families who have experienced stillbirth and are eagerly awaiting your support as the bill is signed into law.

 

Sincerely,

 

Name – Address – Phone

 

 

 

Father’s Day, Miscarriage & Grieving For Men

Father’s Day (June 19th) is coming up this weekend.  Celebrating often includes BBQs, baseball and families getting together.  But what happens if you are the man  & your wife/partner has suffered a miscarriage.  You may not be in the spirit to celebrate.  And that is OK.

Going with your gut instinct and doing (or not doing) what feels right for you on that day is what you should do.  Only by being true to yourself about your feelings toward celebrating Father’s Day will you be able to heal.  On our blog on June 7th we gave some suggestions on how to help get through the day – https://ourhopeplace.wordpress.com/

We would also like to include a link to Our Hope Place (www.OurHopePlace.com) where we have an expert talk about “Men, Women, Miscarriage & Grieving Styles” – we hope this helps – (see link below for complete information and chart)

Men, Women, Miscarriage And Grieving Styles
By: Paula Levy

Miscarriage is an emotional and confusing time for most couples.  There are few societal rituals for grieving for a miscarriage and the depth of this pain is not well recognized in our culture.   In addition, couples have little or no physical existence of their child (pictures, toys, memories) and therefore it becomes difficult for them to validate their loss in the usual ways.  Add to this mix the
fact that women and men usually grieve differently which can cause miscommunication, hurt and disappointment between them.  As a result, a mother and father can have vastly different reactions to a miscarriage.  In many cases, the mother doesn’t understand why her husband is not experiencing significant grief and the father doesn’t understand why his wife is so
devastated.  This can have profound implications for the marriage.

http://www.ourhopeplace.com/PaulaLevyExpert.html

Please let us know if you have a special way of celebrating Father’s Day after your miscarriage.

 

Thanks Oprah – you made me a better woman & mom

I have watched Oprah for many years – some shows I agreed with, others I did not finish watching and still some gave me my own “ah ha” moment.  After 25 years I wanted to say to Oprah – “Thank you for making me a better woman & mom.”

The top 4 things I remember about all those shows as told in my own words – meaning what I took away from the show:

1) Don’t hold a grudge – Oprah told a story about how she had a disagreement with a friend and Oprah was holding a grudge.  She talked about all the energy and time she spent thinking about the disagreement and this person until one day she saw that person “skipdeedee doing” down the street.  Oprah realized at that moment that her friend was not wasting time thinking of Oprah but had moved on.  It was only Oprah who had given that friend all the power by letting the disagreement take up her thoughts and brain power that could have been used for something more useful.

2) Oprah always quotes Glinda the Good Witch from the Wizard of Oz – “You have always had the power” with the actual quote being from Answers.com –‘You’ve always had the power to go back to Kansas’ is the quote from Glinda the Good Witch about Dorothy Gale knowing all along what to do.

I think of this quote often as a mom, wife, daughter, friend & co-worker –  when I get “stuck” in life – whether I am trying to make a decision, get through a bad day or challenge myself with something new.  I realize the “power” is always inside of me -I just have to have the courage to grab it and go.

3) Mom stories – Oprah in her 25 years has had a lot of moms on the show – moms who inspired me, moms who went public with their embarrassing moments as a mom or moms who made me cry (tears of joy or sadness).    I thank Oprah and all those moms who made my life a little sweeter and sometimes easier because of the stories they told – but mostly thanks for letting me feel not alone in my quest to be the best mom (& woman) I can be.

4) “Take your pain and turn it into power”  an Oprah quote- one of the reasons that Our Hope Place (www.OurHopePlace.com) exists.   I believe that when something devastating happens to you (like a miscarriage) it helps to take that pain and channel it into something that will help others.  Once you see how you can help others, your pain lessens a little at a time and you feel empowered.

Have you learned anything from Oprah??? – let us know.

 

The Seven Wonders That Will Change Your Life

I just finished reading a unique book – “The Seven Wonders That Will Change Your Life” by Glen Beck & Keith Oblow.  I did not know what to expect when I opened the book but the following sentences from the book hit home with me.

They explained to me in words (all quotes below from their book) what we at Our Hope Place (www.OurHopePlace.com) try to do everyday with the story of our miscarriages – share how we feel, share how we think about what happened to us and hopefully help others who find themselves in the same situation-to not feel so alone.

Why we share our story at Our Hope Place:

“We understand that no person’s life is precisely like any other’s, but we also understand that one life story can reflect the challenges each and every one of us faces in attempting to love ourselves and others and pursue happiness.”

“No two human experiences repeat themselves exactly, but there are underlying patterns that occur again and again – patterns we can learn a tremendous amount from.”

“Why can one life, honestly told, influence many lives?  Why can human beings learn from the experiences, thoughts, and feelings of others?  What energy is being tapped when one person is willing to completely open his or her heart and soul to others?”

Helping others to not feel alone after their miscarriage:

“So many of us believe we are alone in our shortcomings and fears and challenges and questions and hopes and dreams that we must keep ourselves undercover, lest we be seen for the imperfect people we are.  But nothing could be further from the truth.  There is far more that connects us than separates us.  We are all struggling.  We are all on difficult, sometimes tortuous, journeys that are really meant – designed, in fact, by God – to lead us to the best in ourselves.”

If you have experienced a miscarriage or know someone who has – please take a minute to tell them about http://www.OurHopePlace.com so that “one human being’s intensely personal tests and triumphs can be harnessed to the good of countless others. “

 

Happy Mother’s Day to Mariah Carey

Congratulations to Mariah Carey and husband Nick Cannon on the birth of their twins –  a son named Moroccan Scott and a daughter named Monroe.   The twins arrived last Saturday in Los Angeles – just in time for Mother’s Day.  Mariah had previously suffered a miscarriage before having the twins.  Welcome little ones!!!

Full story of names of babies:

http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/b240080_mariah_careys_baby_names_announced_are.html

 

TODAY Show – What He Can Expect When She’s Not Expecting

From the TODAY Show this morning:

Marc Sedaka stood by while he and his wife endured endless rounds of drug therapies, 16 artificial inseminations, 10 in-vitro fertilizations, three miscarriages and, finally, a gestational surrogate who carried their twin girls to term. With the help of his own infertility doctor, Dr. Gregory Rosen, Sedaka has crafted the book “What He Can Expect When She’s Not Expecting: How to Support Your Wife, Save Your Marriage, and Conquer Infertility.” Here is an excerpt.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/42096898/ns/today-books/

It is great to hear a man’s point of view when it comes to infertility.  So many times (as also the case with miscarriage) the woman grieves silently and feels alone as the man “seems” to get back to his “normal” life.  Just the idea of knowing you are not alone in your situation can help.  Thanks for sharing your story.  http://www.OurHopePlace.com – “Helping friends cope, hope and heal after a miscarriage.”

 

It took 7 years, but I finally didn’t fall apart on my miscarriage “anniversary”; in fact, this year it passed without notice – WOW!

Yesterday a friend came over and said I heard you help women, their family and friends when someone has had a miscarriage.  Can you help me?  My sister-in-law had a miscarriage and none of us know what to do, how can we help?

I told her I was very sorry.  I asked how was everyone doing.  Seems her sister-in-law didn’t want to talk much about her miscarriage.  My friend clearly wanted to, so we did.  I shared with her that the best thing to do is to acknowledge her sister-in-laws loss, then take the cue as a next step from her.  If she doesn’t want to talk about it, think you have to respect her wishes (see our 7 tips on how to help).

Then she asked if I would share my story… and I did.  And it hit me  — Jan 15th had passed…  without incident…  how could that be?  I usually dread the day.  Think about it for many days in advance.  This year, for the first time in 7 years, I didn’t.  I didn’t stress myself out.  I didn’t blame myself.  I did ask why.  I didn’t …  I didn’t… I didn’t…  and then I realized, I didn’t feel guilty.  And it was ok.  While I will always miss my child, for the first time in a long time I feel like I am healing.  I am finding peace.  It feels good…

I hope you find the same!

 

Ann Pettway – the Woman Who Stole a Baby 23 Years Ago. Miscarriages and How They Affect the Women Who Experience Them.

Our mission for OurHopePlace.com is to demystify miscarriage. In doing that we would love to make the conversation about miscarriage easier.  More of a sharing environment and less of a secret.  Also we would hope that we can help those who have never experienced a miscarriage understand that the loss of an unborn child stays with you for the rest of your life.  For some women, this loss affects everything they do, say and think.

You may have recently heard in the news about the story of Ann Pettway, the woman who supposedly stole a baby (Carlina White) 23 years ago from a hospital.  Part of her reasoning was that she had suffered multiple miscarriages and did not think she would ever be a mom.  Although I do not agree with her actions, I do feel sorry that she felt alone at that time and could not come up with any other option but to take someone’s baby.

If you know someone who has had a miscarriage, be a great friend and listener and help them start their healing journey.  For ideas on how to help – see “How Can I Help” at http://www.OurHopePlace.com

http://www.ourhopeplace.com/whattodo.html

Full story on Ann Pettway:

http://abcnews.go.com/US/ann-pettway-woman-raised-carlina-white-face-kidnapping/story?id=12746441

 

Looking For a Reason??

When I miscarried over 10 years ago it took awhile before I stopped thinking about every little thing I did that might have caused my miscarriage.  After speaking with my doctor,  all I came away with was “it happens.”  One of the hardest parts of a woman’s healing journey after a miscarriage is usually the guilt of “what did I do to cause it???”  If that is where you are now – please read this information from conceiveonline.com – I thought it helped even 10+ years later.

From the article: Seven Most Common Miscarriage Causes

My obstetrician’s observations that I was in good company—that around 15 percent of “known” pregnancies (i.e., pregnancies confirmed with a test), and up to half of all pregnancies end in miscarriage during the first trimester—didn’t soothe my sadness. Nor did his assurance that the miscarriage wasn’t caused by something I had done, or hadn’t done, that it was “just one of those things.” But I was comforted when I considered the other statistic: that most of the time miscarriage is a one-time occurrence.

Full article:

http://www.conceiveonline.com/miscarriage-infertility/miscarriage-causes/

 

Miscarriage & ABC’s The View – Giuliana & Bill Rancic

On Friday, October 1, 2010 – I happen to catch part of ABC‘s TV show – The View and found myself tearing up for their guests.  The topic was: Bill & Giuliana Rancic Discuss Their Miscarriage. 

Both Bill and his wife were very frank about their emotions and thoughts during their months of  trying to have a baby.  Giuliana talked about her miscarriage and feeling guilty about losing the baby which turned into thoughts of “what is wrong with me/my body.”  Bill expressed thoughts of trying to stay strong for his wife and upon hearing his wife blaming herself for the miscarriage he said, “It broke my heart.” 

Sherri Shepherd and Barbara Walters (co-hosts of The View) are also miscarriage survivors and had great things to say to the couple.  Sherri went on to have her son after losing a twin girl and Barbara adopted a daughter after a few miscarriages.

Whoopi Goldberg (co-host) also had something very sweet to say to the couple – the idea that they had a visitor (the miscarried baby) that came to see if they were ready and he would return soon.

Thank you to both Bill & Giuliana for being strong enough and candid enough to share both sides of their miscarriage – the woman’s view & the man’s view.  I hope that other miscarriage survivors were able to see they are not alone in their grief.  For the full story – go to: http://theview.abc.go.com/blog/friday-bill-giuliana-rancic-discuss-their-miscarriage

http://www.OurHope Place.com has a section of how men and women grieve differently – http://www.ourhopeplace.com/PaulaLevyExpert.html