May 2008


 

Miscarriage and Father’s Day.  When the word “miscarriage” is heard, most people think about the woman who has experienced the loss.  Sadly, miscarriage affects many more family members including the men in the woman’s life.  Would-be-dads, grandfathers, uncles and brothers all experience their own grief.
 
This year Father’s Day is June 15.  As a couple that has experienced a miscarriage, this day can be filled with many emotions. We know this all too well because we are two women who have experienced miscarriages with our husbands and have gone on to heal.  We created Our Hope Place (www.OurHopePlace.com) in order for friends (and family members) to help cope, hope and heal after miscarriage.
 
Here are some suggestions to help you and your partner get through the day:
 
-Both be true to your feelings.  As the man, you may think it will be easier not to show how you are feeling about the miscarriage as you think your emotions will upset your partner even more. (Men & women can grieve differently.)  You decide you want to stay strong to protect her but only end up feeling alone and isolated.  As the woman, you were thinking of how nice it would be to buy your partner a “father-to-be” Father’s Day card and now after the miscarriage —Father’s Day is just another reminder of your loss.  Take time to communicate before the day arrives.  Really express to each other how you are feeling about both the miscarriage and what Father’s Day will mean to you this year.
 
-Be patient with each other.  Do not criticize each other (or yourself) for how you are feeling.  Grieving is a very personal process and should be respected. Do realize that everyone copes with the same loss in different ways.  You may not be able to take away your partner’s pain but letting your partner know that you are there for him/her and that you love each other will go a long way.
 
-Plan ahead to do something meaningful for both of you.  Take a walk with each other in a favorite park.  Plant some flowers or a tree in your yard to remember your baby.  Go to church and say a prayer.  Get together and enjoy time with your extended family.  Even stay home, order take-out and just enjoy each other’s company.  There is no “wrong” way to spend the day.
 
-Don’t be afraid to say “NO”.  Do what you both need to do on Father’s Day even if it means not participating in traditional family events.  Explain why you would rather not participate to your family.  (“Right now we are feeling too emotional to be with everyone on Father’s Day.”) 
 
-Try to focus on the positive.  Being grateful for what we already had in our lives and thinking positively is what helped us with our healing process and led us to create Our Hope Place  (www.OurHopePlace.com).  We decided to share our friendship, a special bracelet of hope and it’s inspiring story to help others who have also experienced miscarriage.  (We have a special section for the partner/spouse to visit – http://www.ourhopeplace.com/partnertodo.html)
 
Only by being there for each other and celebrating Father’s Day together in your own way will you both be able to remember your loss, continue with your healing process and look to the future.
 
Here’s to celebrating Father’s Day your way,
 
Laura & Sharon

The world seems rather confusing to me.  Yesterday someone I know called; she was rather bitter.  As our conversation unfolded, I learned that she was 8 weeks pregnant, very unhappy, and insistent that her husband get “snipped”.  “How could he do this to her” she wondered.  Huh?  Wasn’t she there?  Hmmmm…  she doesn’t want to be pregnant, yet so many others that do…  I realize that everyone is entitled to their own problems, I realize these are real problems to the individuals…  but honestly, though…    I felt rather deflated…  I mustered all I could to be supportive…  😦

I still think about my miscarriage most days… it is especially hard b/c I always thought I would have at least 2, more likely 3 children.  When my son wishes for a sibling, it is so difficult – how can you explain to a 3 yr old?  Then my mom mentions she is donating all the baby items in her home to the church – a great thing, I know the items will go to good, needy homes – yes, we should do this, but yes ANOTHER reminder …  it is painful, it is always painful!  Sometimes I just cry, then I reach for my bracelet (those of you have been following along with me know I have a bracelet from a friend from www.OurHopePlace.com that I use to distract me, to help me think positively – and it helps!)

So here is my thinking positively:

What a day,…  I think this summarizes my day, “it’s more good than bad”.  

1st day of the week was rainy…  people were cranky…  yet it was more good than bad – had one really fun meeting!  

Arrived home to kisses from husband and son…  definitely, always good!

Waited until 9 PM to hear how my Aunt’s surgery went, also more good than bad (no cancer this time — yeah!)

I exercised for 50 minutes today!  

It was a good day, more good than bad!

 

Following a meeting today I shared that I was co-founder of http://www.OurHopePlace.com, a website dedicated to friends helping friends cope, hope and heal after miscarriage.  One by one everyone revealed that they had suffered from miscarriage, either personally or through a spouse.  

One woman said something that really stuck with me, ” we all know that not all pregnancies end with healthy babies.  I wish someone would have told me that.”  Why is it that no one talks about the risks of miscarriage?  Why is it that your learn about miscarriage while you are in the midst of one?  When you are pregnant you hear from the doctor about all kinds of testing…  but never a word about miscarriage…  why is that?  We can talk about amnios, about genetics, about diseases, but never a mention of miscarriage?  This is CRAZY!!! 

I shared with a small group of men and women today that I am the co-founder of www.OurHopePlace.com, a website dedicated to friends helping friends cope, hope and heal after miscarriage.  One by one EVERYONE revealed they too has suffered (either personally or through a spouse).  

When I shared that I started this business with a long time friend of mine because when we suffered our miscarriage we looked for something to help us, we found facts that left us cold, we found places to pour out our emotions (and we had a lot of them) but after a while these left us feeling drained, and that ultimately we couldn’t find anything that helped us move forward, something that would help us heal.  In addition, we found most people didn’t know how to help; what to say/do.  So most people ignored the situation – again silence…  if a parent or grandparent had passed, everyone (or at least most) would know what to do/say.    After sharing the reasons why and what our aim was, they ALL looked at me and said, ‘I need that website.  Where were you when I needed you?  What a great thing this is – such an important issue!!!”

Miscarriage is all too common (1 MILLION each year in the US), yet it remains taboo to discuss.  This leaves women and their family’s alone and suffering in silence.  We need to start the discussion…  we need to stop the madness, stop the deafening silence!  Reach out and help!

Chocolate is good!  Check out this link:  http://FoodNavigator-USA.com/news/ng.asp?id=85081

What they say:  the potential health benefits of chocolate as US researchers report that pregnant women who consume ample servings of this popular confectionery may reduce the risk of pre-eclampsia.  

Who knew our cravings were good!  Here here to chocolate!  YUMMMMMMM!

Ok, I admit it up front, this is a self absorbed blog posting…  so I will try to keep it short – I would rather write about the positive side of life, but just indulge me for a minute…  I always thought I would have 3 children (you need 3 to go water-skiing)…  but my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, my second ended with a wonderful little boy (I am so thankful and lucky and don’t mean to sound ungrateful, really I don’t).  

But somehow I always thought a 3rd pregnancy/a sibling for our son would come, however that seems to be on the slow side…  and even though it has been a few years since my miscarriage, when I went to a party this weekend (a lovely party) it seems every woman of childbearing age except for me either just had a baby (last 7 weeks) or was about to have a baby.  UGH!!!  Will I ever stop feeling like this???  Sometimes it is still just so hard.

All things considered I am a very lucky person with a great life…  well, I need to go hug my husband and son and remind myself of that and stop feeling self absorbed.  I need to be happy for the life I have!  Thanks for listening…  it helps!!!

Next Page »