Thanks to Rachel Demas (& Mamapedia) for sharing her thoughts (that a lot of us also had) about how to think after experiencing a miscarriage.

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Trying Again After Miscarriage

October 15, 2013 by Rachel Demas of “Tao of Poop”  
I found these words spilling out of my mouth on my first date with my husband, “Well, I’m not sure if I can even have kids at this point, since I’m in my forties.”

The thought bubble over my head was saying, “Why on earth are you telling this man these things?! Not exactly fun and flirty dinner conversation!”

Another part of my brain was saying, “Oh well, if you’re gonna scare him away, make it sooner rather than later, for everyone’s sake.”

My future husband replied, “I want children, but I’d rather end up with the right woman than worry about what our life should look like. I’d be happy adopting or figuring it out somehow.”

Clearly, I was the right woman, and he, the right man and we were married shortly after. Embarking on the journey of getting pregnant was easy then, when I had nothing to lose. We also got pregnant quickly.

Then, I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks.

I experienced what it was like to want something, and have it taken away. Intellectually, I thought I was prepared. I knew all the doom and gloom statistics about conception and miscarriage for women in their 40’s, but, until it actually happened to me, I had blissful ignorance on my side.

The hardest choice I ever made was to try again. It meant staying open to not knowing the ending of our story, facing the possibility of miscarriage again (indeed, we had one more), and living in a state of limbo.

There were times when the easier choice seemed to close the door on having a baby entirely and just move on with our lives. It’s a double-edged sword, facing the unknown with someone you love. You each have your own journey full of personal shades of trepidation and hope. Sometimes, one person can carry the other through the down times. Sometimes, both of you need a little support, but neither has the resources to give.

Ultimately, it was my husband’s character that gave me the strength to keep trying, though. His words on our first date continued to resonate in our lives. He showed me how to put relationships over goals. He helped me have faith that the journey would take us exactly where we needed to go. He taught me that hope isn’t getting what you think you want, but being open to what you receive.

Two and a half years after that first date, our daughter Claire was born.

I’m glad I listened to my heart on our first date. Between you and me, another thought bubble over my head was “I think I could marry this man.” I didn’t share that one with him either.

Editor’s Note: Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. If you are, or know a Mommy or Daddy who has lost a child (born or unborn), go to our Facebook page and send them a virtual message of hope and support.

Rachel Demas spends her days with her delightful and frustrating two year old, Claire, in New York City. She blogs at The Tao of Poop about the shock and amazement of being a first-time, oldish mom. Claire is usually the star of her writing with guest appearances by her husband, George, and two cats, Lloyd and Sophia. You can follow her on Facebook, Twitter and Google+.

Another year but the feelings can still be the same. This year, Mother’s Day is May 12. If you have had a miscarriage, Mother’s Day can bring on a whole range of emotions and thoughts of what could have been. Even if many years have passed since your miscarriage, you may be surprised about how you feel. Happy and sad thoughts may sprinkle your day. We know this all too well because we are two women who have experienced miscarriage and have gone on to heal. We created Our Hope Place (www.OurHopePlace.com) in order for friends to help friends cope, hope and heal after miscarriage.

Here are some suggestions to get you through the day:

-Recognize your true feelings. Don’t hide or discount them. Part of you may want to celebrate Mother’s Day because you are a mom to the baby you lost. You may want to celebrate with the other “moms” in your life. Ask your spouse or a family member to be your “soft place” that day. Whenever you need a break, let this person take care of you.

-Be kind to yourself on Mother’s Day. Do not criticize yourself for how you are feeling or put pressure on yourself. Be your best friend and make the day special to you.

-Plan ahead to do something meaningful that will bring a smile to your face. Plant a flower or tree to remember your baby. Take a walk with your spouse. Go to church and say a prayer. Get together with the important women in your life. Laugh with your family. Even stay under the covers and read a great book.

-Don’t be afraid to say “NO”. Do what you need to do on Mother’s Day even if it means not participating in traditional family events. If you can find the words, explain why you would rather not participate to your family. (“Right now I am feeling too emotional to be with everyone on Mother’s Day.”) If that is too difficult, maybe your spouse or close relative can explain how you are feeling and why you will not be there on Mother’s Day.

-Try to focus on the positive. Being grateful for what we already had in our lives and thinking positively is what helped us with our healing process and led us to create Our Hope Place (www.OurHopePlace.com). We decided to share our friendship, a special bracelet of hope and it’s inspiring story to help other women who have also experienced miscarriage.

Only by being true to yourself and celebrating Mother’s Day in your own way will you will be able to remember your loss, continue with your healing process and look to the future.

Here’s to celebrating Mother’s Day your way! Good luck! Let us know how your day goes, and have no doubt, this is your day too! You can also tweet us @OurHopePlace

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Congrats and best wishes go out to Lisa Ling and her hubby. Lisa has announced she is pregnant, and expecting a baby girl.

This gives me hope.

Lisa was so brave almost two years ago when she publicly shared the pain and devastation of her miscarriage. We share the same belief that miscarriage is too common, yet it remains a taboo subject to talk about. This leaves women alone and suffering. We want to change that… That is why we created www.ourhopeplace.com visit to find out how to help.

Here is the link to read about Lisa’s good news:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/24/lisa-ling-pregnant-former-view-co-host-baby-girl_n_2008930.html?utm_hp_ref=media&ir=Media

We found this posting and had to share…

We are sorry for the loss and pain Marie and her husband have endured.  We applaud her sharing her story and suggesting that we need to “break the silence about miscarriage”.   You can read her article here

She likens admitting her miscarriage to being at an AA Meeting…  a taboo subject that involves shame.  She describes her miscarriage like many people:  feeling alone, knowing no one who had gone through this – only to find that they knew many people who had.  That they couldn’t smile, the birds didn’t sing, and life seemed dark.

Then comes the self blame and questioning…  “I must have done something to cause this, what?” and “Why?”

The lack of information…  why don’t we know what causes a miscarriage?

Then she gets to what we (at OurHopePlace) talk about…  that we need to start a dialogue.  That we need to take miscarriage out of the shadows and whispers.  We need to help people not feel so alone.  We need to help people feel less frightened…  we need to help with the healing!

Won’t you help?

Soo many things are changing…  yesterday one of my dear friends called.  While we hadn’t spoken in a few years, she is one of those friends that you can pick up with right away.  It was as if we saw each other yesterday.

BIG NEWS!  My friend is 3 moths pregnant — a little boy due Dec 2nd!  This is wonderful news.  She has tried to have a baby for a long, long, long time.  She will be an amazing mom!  There is hope in the world!

Another friend found me this afternoon, and shared news of her pending divorce (after 15 years of marriage).  It was her idea.  Turns out she was miserable with her husband.  Sort of pisses me off- he wasn’t very nice to her.  (And yes, I get that there are multiple sides to the story, but this is my friend and if she tells me she was unhappy, I believe her).  I remember when I was getting married, this friend said to me,”make sure you find someone who really makes you happy, that you love and loves you in return, and don’t settle”.  Wonder now, looking back, was she trying to tell me something?  She told me she didn’t want anyone to know, she tried to make it work.  Anyway, now she is working on her happiness!

Lastly, another friend told me her husband lost his job.  The writing had been on the wall – the company has been going through tough times, lots of layoffs, etc.  My friend seemed happy.  Her husband was not happy at his work, but he wasn’t going to make a change on his own.  So now he can make a change.  And so far so good.

In all cases, 15 seems to be the magic number…  15 years trying to be come a mom, 15 years in a not so great marriage, and 15 months of building layoffs.

All my friends have great strength!  I wish them all happiness!  They truly deserve it!

There is hope!

Readers, any advice for a very caring husband who has suffered miscarriage loss and is now worried about losing his wife and/or family? (Edit:  so I can see lots of people looking at this post, won’t you leave a reply for this reader.  I have already sent him a note directly, thought you might have additional thoughts to help or let him know he isn’t alone.)

Dear Our Hope Place,

I hope you and/or your readers can help me with this.  I am worried I will lose either my wife or my family or both…  any advice you can offer would be great.  I am at a loss at what to do and who to talk to…  Here is my story:

My wife had a miscarriage back in August  2009. It was difficult but not overly tough. Then my sister told us that she was pregnant and was due in May 2010 (the same month my wife was due in). This sent my wife into a tailspin. She has never gotten along well with my family, ecspecially my sister, but she would always attend family events with a smile. Now she wants nothing to do with my family. n She has completely walled herself off and will not go anywhere near my sister. It is almost as if she thinks my sister did this to us on purpose. For the record, my sister was already pregnant before we told anyone she just did not know it yet. I’m concerned that I am going to loose either the rest of my family or my wife. I cannot stand the thought of loosing either. I have tried to be supportive, but I feel that this is an issue that should have gone away a long time ago and if everytime she sees my sister and her child, it throws my wife into hyster!
ics nothing good will ever come of my wife and my family again. I don’t know what to do or who to talk to. if you have any advice I would appreciate it.

Well, what do you guys think…  We have already replied to this writer directly, but would love any thoughts you have.

More hope today…  kids and hope.  Helping kids know/identify and express their feelings.  This is something I do with my 4 yr old.  It really helps…  when he can identify and express what he is feeling we can enjoy what we are doing and avoid meltdowns (well most of the time).  Take a look below… let me know what you think.

What is Emotional Awareness:  it is the ability to identify and describe what you are feeling and to know what others are feeling.

Why is Emotional Awareness important:  it is a building block of a healthy emotional life. The more aware your child is of his feelings and the more comfortable he becomes with the full range of feelings that people experience, the easier it will be for him to connect with others. The ability to control one’s emotions when they are too strong and getting in the way of coping is improved by emotional awareness.

These activities can be done with all children (by using more complex emotions for older kids).

How can I learn more:  Click HERE .