optimism


Hi, it just occurred to me OurHopePlace.com has been helping women cope, hope and heal after miscarriage for just over 6 years now…

It has been a humbling experience helping people. We have been touched by so many people’s pain as well as stories of hope. We know the devastation and loss of hope with each miscarriage. We have found joy with the birth of every baby, and equally joy with each adoption… The road to motherhood can take many paths, each one equally important, equally blessed.

Each time someone sends a bracelet of hope or an angel token (or other gift) from our site, we believe we are enabling good in the world. We know we are when we see repeat order or ones that say, “I hope this bracelet helps you as much as it helped me”.

This has been a journey. I thank each of you for reaching out, for helping others (or helping yourself – bc it is still hard for people to know what to do and what not to do.)

We have come a long way, with more to go… It is great to take a pause, reflect, and say thank you.

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Happened again, I was talking to a friend about nothing in particular, kids stuff, work stuff, the norm; then she started crying… “I did it, I blame myself, I caused my miscarriage”. Wow! My wonderful, friend, seemed to have all together, has this massive burden of guilt. In fact, turns out 74% of women feel this way.

The reality is doctors more often than not don’t know what causes a miscarriage. It is so common, over 1 million each year in the USA. 20-25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage…

So I listened, then I asked her why she felt this way… She just knew. The doctor hadn’t said had done anything; the doctor didn’t know why she had miscarried. I wanted to hug her and somehow get through to her that she didn’t do this… She had two beautiful children, a wonderful life. I so want to help her heal, to let go of the guilt and pain. She said she never would; it is her way of coping.

Why do women do this? Why is our inner voice so tough on us? Why do we bully ourselves?

I gave my friend a bracelet of hope… So she knows I am here for her. (read about it at ourhopeplace.com)

How did you heal from your miscarriage? Did you? I hope so, I hope you had a wonderful family and friends who surrounded you with love.

Usually I write about miscarriage and hope…  because while your in the moment all might seem hopeless, but we at OurHopePlace are here to let you know you are not alone and there is hope…

But today, I am writing about assuming positive intent (without any link to miscarriage).  Ask yourself, do you assume positive intent?  Do you for some people and not for others?  Why or why not?  Trust probably comes into play… (a subject for another day).

Here is an interesting article, great lead in and some interesting questions to ponder:  Assume Positive Intent by Marilyn Lustgarten

“I can’t believe anyone would do something so stupid!” How quick and automatic is the leap from believing in someone one minute to flying off the handle in anger the next when someone does something so contrary to our expectations!

When we immediately start to rant in frustration over someone else’s action or decision without the benefit of understanding the why behind their motivation, then our reaction says a lot more about us than it does about them.

According to a new study in the International Journal of Psychology, the effects of anger can last 7 days. If being disappointed by others actions immediately makes you see red, then imagine the cumulative affect on your attitude and therefore, on your organization, if you are always at some point on the continuum of getting angry to staying angry to getting over being angry – about something that might not be based on reality!

The next time something happens that you didn’t expect or wouldn’t have done, stop and ask yourself these five questions before rushing to judge someone’s negative intentions:

1. How do I know that the person’s intention was bad?

Chances are you’re making assumptions and so, are overlooking the possibility that the other person could have had more or different information or another interpretation and based his or her decision to act accordingly.

2. Is my concern self-focused?

Like the father of the family in the movie “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” who lamented, “Why is this happening to me?” every time something didn’t go as planned, you are likely more worried about how you will be personally affected by what the other person did more than any real negative consequences to the organization.

3. Were my expectations clear?

No one should be expected to presume to know what you want or when you want it to be done.

4. Could it have been a mistake?

There’s an old saying, “If the learner hasn’t learned, then the teacher hasn’t taught.” Someone who is learning or doing something for the first time isn’t trying to mess up on purpose!

5. Why am I so angry?

That’s really the “$64,000 question.” You might need help exploring the reasons behind your outrage and learning how to better control your emotions.

It’s a leader’s job to gain followers by inspiring confidence. People are so complex, and so different – moved by different motives, controlled by different circumstances, and influenced by different experiences. Before you think the worst, find out the facts, and assume positive intent in the meantime. Most people are doing what they think is best for the right reasons. Assuming that will take you a long way.

Marilyn Lustgarten, executive coach and president of The Star Makers Group, works with leaders interested in achieving good to great performance. She also speaks and writes on strategic leadership issues and organizational transformation. Contact her at http://www.starmakersgroup.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Marilyn_Lustgarten

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/1284599

Do you find the holidays difficult after your miscarriage?

…from a contact at Our Hope Place: It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. No, this Christmas I was to be buying pjs that say “baby’s 1st Christmas”. But that didn’t happen. Instead of being happy I have been dreading the holidays, I have been waiting to “check the box”. Wishing it was all a bad dream… It is hard to be around kids, and pregnant friends. I get angry, feel guilty, and am always so sad. Will it ever get better? Is it normal to feel this way? Is it bad that I am happy the holidays are over? I have a friend who also suffered a miscarriage, and she doesn’t seem to feel the same way… Any advice? …

First I am sorry for you loss, and what you are feeling is totally normal. The same is true for your friend. Everyone grieves differently, and no one way is right. Miscarriage is a real loss, one that needs to be grieved for. I remember the time after my miscarriage, but before my son was born. I had a lot of dread on all important dates, holidays, family events, and even seeing friends. Not to mention any “anniversary” associated with the baby I lost (this would have been my 5th month, this was the 36 week point, this was my delivery date, and so on). While I remember a lot of sadness, I also remember the dread prior was worse than the actual
day (might be different for you).

So I came up with coping mechanisms to help me… Thing like I didn’t go to everything. If I thought it was too hard, I gave myself permission to take a pass. And then would do something fun for me. I also used my ouhhopeplace.com bracelet… I needed to grieve, and then I needed to find hope, to feel the sun. When you are ready you will to. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

From a recent letter to OurHopePlace.com:

Thank you for the link to your website, www.OurHopePlace.com. My miscarriage was almost 7 years ago. I started cramping on a Saturday afternoon, and lost our baby on Sunday morning.  Monday I was scheduled for our first ultra sound.  The memories of it don’t fade, but the pain does lessen.  I was given an angel pin during that weekend that I still wear on tough days. Your bracelet is a thoughtful and heartwarming gift.  I was able to heal enough to now have three healthy children.  God has been good to us.

I visited many many websites, and joined various support groups, all on my own. It was private to me, and I kept everything bottled up for quite some time.  My husband was great, but it was months before I opened up to my co-workers and friends.  I can now openly talk of that pregnancy and loss, and share  our thoughts, our emotions, our story. 

 Don’t take this the wrong way, but, I hope I NEVER have to share your website with anyone close to me.  But if need be, I WILL!

Thank you for what you are doing.

Jean

I will never forget Mother’s Day following my miscarriage.  Turns out it was a sad and a happy day all in one…

Sad:  well that is the obvious part, I wished I was pregnant.  I wished I was a mom… I wished I was very pregnant, with a healthy baby!

Happy:  Even if I wasn’t pregnant anymore, it was Mother’s Day, and my husband I have (great) mothers, and they deserved some celebrating.  I wasn’t sure if I would be up for it, in fact I dreaded the day, but when it arrived, I was ok.  Well, I was a little weepy in the morning, but a hot shower took care of that.  We went to a lovely brunch with my parents and my mother in law, and friends of my parents (their children were with in-laws).  My husband and parents were very thoughtful in planning the day — they suggested the brunch, they arranged for us to go to the non-kid seating.  We had great wines (yes, plural)…  and it turns out, we conceived our son that night.  He is now 4, and just came by to give me some cuddles.  🙂

So that day I was dreading, turned out to be a pretty good Mother’s Day afterall!  (Isn’t that the understatement!)

Wishing you a Happy Mother’s Day!

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I consider myself an optimist.  Now I think it is portant to clarify what I mean by this b/c it doesn’t  mean my life is perfect.   Rather Optimism is the belief that things will turn out well.   And get this, this is my favorite part, it is the expectation that good things will come your way and IMPORTANTLY that you have the ability to control/influence the direction of your life.  It’s about having goals, and setting plans to achieve, and to course correct as needed. 

This thinking helped me so much at the time of my miscarriage, it helps me everyday; it makes the bad days less bad and good days great! 

Want to learn more about becoming and optimist?  or teaching these skills to your children?  husband?  mother-in-law?   Well you could study all about positive psychology, or you could check out the cool work being done by the team at Fishful Thinking (and to be honest, I did work a little on this project a few years ago – it was the most rewarding work, and I consider it a privledge to have been a part of it).  I use a lot of this with my 4 yr old son, and my husband, and myself, and … 

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