Thanks to Rachel Demas (& Mamapedia) for sharing her thoughts (that a lot of us also had) about how to think after experiencing a miscarriage.

Mamapedia Voices

Mamapedia City Voices highlights the inside scoop on your city by selected writers, from up-and-coming mom bloggers to well-known mom experts.


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Trying Again After Miscarriage

October 15, 2013 by Rachel Demas of “Tao of Poop”  
I found these words spilling out of my mouth on my first date with my husband, “Well, I’m not sure if I can even have kids at this point, since I’m in my forties.”

The thought bubble over my head was saying, “Why on earth are you telling this man these things?! Not exactly fun and flirty dinner conversation!”

Another part of my brain was saying, “Oh well, if you’re gonna scare him away, make it sooner rather than later, for everyone’s sake.”

My future husband replied, “I want children, but I’d rather end up with the right woman than worry about what our life should look like. I’d be happy adopting or figuring it out somehow.”

Clearly, I was the right woman, and he, the right man and we were married shortly after. Embarking on the journey of getting pregnant was easy then, when I had nothing to lose. We also got pregnant quickly.

Then, I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks.

I experienced what it was like to want something, and have it taken away. Intellectually, I thought I was prepared. I knew all the doom and gloom statistics about conception and miscarriage for women in their 40’s, but, until it actually happened to me, I had blissful ignorance on my side.

The hardest choice I ever made was to try again. It meant staying open to not knowing the ending of our story, facing the possibility of miscarriage again (indeed, we had one more), and living in a state of limbo.

There were times when the easier choice seemed to close the door on having a baby entirely and just move on with our lives. It’s a double-edged sword, facing the unknown with someone you love. You each have your own journey full of personal shades of trepidation and hope. Sometimes, one person can carry the other through the down times. Sometimes, both of you need a little support, but neither has the resources to give.

Ultimately, it was my husband’s character that gave me the strength to keep trying, though. His words on our first date continued to resonate in our lives. He showed me how to put relationships over goals. He helped me have faith that the journey would take us exactly where we needed to go. He taught me that hope isn’t getting what you think you want, but being open to what you receive.

Two and a half years after that first date, our daughter Claire was born.

I’m glad I listened to my heart on our first date. Between you and me, another thought bubble over my head was “I think I could marry this man.” I didn’t share that one with him either.

Editor’s Note: Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. If you are, or know a Mommy or Daddy who has lost a child (born or unborn), go to our Facebook page and send them a virtual message of hope and support.

Rachel Demas spends her days with her delightful and frustrating two year old, Claire, in New York City. She blogs at The Tao of Poop about the shock and amazement of being a first-time, oldish mom. Claire is usually the star of her writing with guest appearances by her husband, George, and two cats, Lloyd and Sophia. You can follow her on Facebook, Twitter and Google+.


Another year but the feelings can still be the same. This year, Mother’s Day is May 12. If you have had a miscarriage, Mother’s Day can bring on a whole range of emotions and thoughts of what could have been. Even if many years have passed since your miscarriage, you may be surprised about how you feel. Happy and sad thoughts may sprinkle your day. We know this all too well because we are two women who have experienced miscarriage and have gone on to heal. We created Our Hope Place ( in order for friends to help friends cope, hope and heal after miscarriage.

Here are some suggestions to get you through the day:

-Recognize your true feelings. Don’t hide or discount them. Part of you may want to celebrate Mother’s Day because you are a mom to the baby you lost. You may want to celebrate with the other “moms” in your life. Ask your spouse or a family member to be your “soft place” that day. Whenever you need a break, let this person take care of you.

-Be kind to yourself on Mother’s Day. Do not criticize yourself for how you are feeling or put pressure on yourself. Be your best friend and make the day special to you.

-Plan ahead to do something meaningful that will bring a smile to your face. Plant a flower or tree to remember your baby. Take a walk with your spouse. Go to church and say a prayer. Get together with the important women in your life. Laugh with your family. Even stay under the covers and read a great book.

-Don’t be afraid to say “NO”. Do what you need to do on Mother’s Day even if it means not participating in traditional family events. If you can find the words, explain why you would rather not participate to your family. (“Right now I am feeling too emotional to be with everyone on Mother’s Day.”) If that is too difficult, maybe your spouse or close relative can explain how you are feeling and why you will not be there on Mother’s Day.

-Try to focus on the positive. Being grateful for what we already had in our lives and thinking positively is what helped us with our healing process and led us to create Our Hope Place ( We decided to share our friendship, a special bracelet of hope and it’s inspiring story to help other women who have also experienced miscarriage.

Only by being true to yourself and celebrating Mother’s Day in your own way will you will be able to remember your loss, continue with your healing process and look to the future.

Here’s to celebrating Mother’s Day your way! Good luck! Let us know how your day goes, and have no doubt, this is your day too! You can also tweet us @OurHopePlace