Tonight I have been reading blogs from women and men as they progress on the path to motherhood/fatherhood. Tears of joy, tears of sorry, questions, and lots of hope and optimism! I totally believe in the power of positive thinking. I am reminded why we started www.OurHopePlace.com - there is a real need to help people and we wanted to help, we felt could make a difference. On our website, we list 5 ways to help and we offer a perspective test… thought it would be helpful to share here…
1) It’s all about your friend. But feeling comfortable talking to your friend about her loss may be difficult for many reasons. Get over it! Your friend needs you. Now is the time to think of her. Even if you get it wrong, she will know you meant well, and will appreciate all you do.2) Remember there are no magic words that you can say or things to do to comfort your friend. It is OK to convey that you are not sure exactly what to say, but that you are there for her.3) If you have had a miscarriage, tell your friend at this time. Then let her guide you in the conversation. 4) Do realize that everyone copes with loss, even the same kind of loss, in different ways. 5) Be specific when offering help. “Let me know what I can do?” without being specific, that puts the effort on your friend to contact you and doesn’t she have enough to deal with already?-help around the house (cleaning up, folding laundry, outside chores)- drop off food for her and her family
- laundry- babysit
- run errands
It is important to know everyone grieves differently, and miscarriage is a real loss, one that needs to be grieved for. You cannot make someone stop feeling grief, you can only be supportive and hope to help lesson the pain/or not cause more pain. Hopefully together, we can help women and their families! Let us know how you and/or someone you know has helped you…
This is my first time blogging on our site. My name is Laura and I am the other half (co-founder with Sharon) of Our Hope Place (www.OurHopePlace.com). I had a miscarriage before I had my daughter (who is now 7 1/2 – that 1/2 is really important to her). I also have a son who is 4 1/2 (he has not figured out the importance of the 1/2 yet). Before I had my miscarriage, the word “miscarriage” was just that – a word that I heard other people talk about. Once I had mine, the word “miscarriage” now had a feeling attached to it – it had depth and sadness. Anytime someone would say it in conversation, it was if that word “miscarriage” would echo. I could hear it from across a room or in a crowd. (I equate it to the same idea as when you buy a new car. It seems as if you never see the car you are about to buy anywhere and as soon as you buy it, you see the car up the street, on the highway 5 times on the way to the mall and the same exact colored car in front of you as you drop off your kids at school.)
It has now been over 8 years since I have had my miscarriage and the echo of the word is a little softer but still there. Since my miscarriage and starting Our Hope Place, women have shared many stories of their miscarriages with me – stories from friends that I knew for years but did not know they had suffered a miscarriage, stories from my mom’s friends about when they were young and stories from strangers when they ask about our website. So I guess I would say that my “new normal” is always carrying a little sadness inside for the baby I lost but also carrying hope to bring to others who come after me.
I love the idea of blogging, of expressing thoughts that perhaps will be interesting/meaningful to others. However, having a one sided conversation seems oddly antisocial. So since you have visited, would you take a quick moment and tell us about your self? Or at least sign in…
I am an optimistic person by nature. I can’t imagine a world without hope… so I tend to think, plan for the positive, but I tend to have a “plan B” since life doesn’t always turn out as planned (e.g. my miscarriage). I know that optimistic people are healthier, happier, have better relationships, … why wouldn’t you want to be optimistic?Since Jan 2nd of this year I have seen lots of drs; well over 40 appointments in 3 months. It has been crazy juggling medical stuff, family, work (day job and www.ourhopeplace.com) The result of all these appointments has been 1 in office procedure and 1 day surgery. I have had every organ scanned, scoped and prodded. Sometimes I feel like an experiment. The good news is that while the procedure and surgery were needed, all is good. Right now I am recovering, going through follow up testing, and I wonder if the pain in my right breast will ever go away…. so needless to say now that (hopefully) the worst is over, I am very thankful and looking forward to getting back to my life!
As I sat in my gyn’s office waiting to take a test to see if my latest procedure was successful (will know in 3 weeks), I was reading the most recent issue of Conceive. They had a short article, “curvy women, brainy babies”. The long and short of it is that women with big hips and small waists have higher IQs and smarter babies. It has to do with the fat on our hips and thighs contain omega-3 fatty acid that helps nourish the brains of both mother and baby. Who knew?Of course there are other articles in the same magazine that discuses weight gain during pregnancy (saying less is best), and another article on being at your optimal weight is best for conceiving and staying pregnant… will read those tomorrow… for now I am happy with my curvy hips (and trying to lead a healthy lifestyle)… more to come…
Wow, I could use some tissues… the tears are running down my cheeks after listening to Fawn’s UTube clip of her beautiful song… if you ever wanted a song that touches you… http://fawnahareo.com/2008/03/11/she-soars/ hopefully this link will work… it is worth listening to… have a tissue handy.This is one of those days that reminds me I didn’t completely recover post miscarriage and go back go normal, I am a changed person. One that has happiness and joy and love in her life (I am very lucky), but one that knows not all pregnancies end with healthy, happy babies. There is a loss of innocence.
Today I am all positives. My dear friend just emailed and shared she is about to have her baby; probably in the next week or so! This is wonderful news! It is her first… it was a LONG road to get here for her and her husband. Lots of pain and loss along the way, as too many of all know. But there will be great joy soon. Not that it will take away all the pain/loss because I don’t think you ever forget, but the love of a new baby is wonderful. They will be great parents! I love hopeful stories!It comforts me in my own small way that I was able to help… I gave her a bracelet I purchased from OurHopePlace.com To be honest, it is a website my friend and I created to help women who suffer from miscarriage… it is amazing how a small gesture can help. Today is a good day!
Miscarriage is one of the most devastating things that can happen to a woman. There are over 1 million in the US each year. You may have had one. Do you know how many of your friends have had them? It is something rarely talked about. Why should women suffer in silence? This blog is dedicated to friends to help friends cope, hope and heal. We want to reach out to help change the world for the better; one friend at a time. We are women who have experienced miscarriage and have gone on to heal. This “miscarriage sisterhood” is a group we did not wish to join, but life doesn’t always turn out like you plan. We want women and their families who suffer from miscarriage to know they are not alone, we want to give hope, and help change her world for the better.To us, there seemed to be a need to provide some guidance and tools as how to talk to and console a friend who has suffered a miscarriage. While we found many technical experts and websites, all these miscarriage facts didn’t offer us any comfort, and they left us feeling cold and empty. Other miscarriage sites allow you to pour out your emotions, this left us feeling drained. We needed help, we needed hope, and we needed healing. So here we are. Linda Layne, cultural anthropologist and author of Motherhood Lost: A Feminist Account of Pregnancy Loss in America, believes when a pregnancy is cut short, women are left hanging betwixt and between. “Gift giving is a powerful way of offering support,” says Layne. “By giving someone who has had a miscarriage a comfort item like those available through www.OurHopePlace.com, one offers concrete acknowledgment of a painful loss which, more often than not, is ignored or downplayed.”Miscarriage is all too common. Almost one in four pregnancies end in a miscarriage. There are almost one million miscarriages each year in the U.S. alone. By sharing this information with you, we hope you find comfort for yourself, your friend, or loved one. Help us help women and their families.
While we have been living post miscarriage (the new “normal”) for a while now, we are just beginning our journey to help other women. This blog is in the process of being created, please be patient,… If it helps, leave us a comment or a Q&A… we will be in touch shortly.
